Cold Light of Day

Do you struggle to justify who you are? 

Ever get the feeling that there is something else out there for you? 

Starting to reminisce more and more? 

Could you wake up one day and just leave? Leave your house, your family, your job, your friends? 

It’s all part of the plan, apparently. 

It’s funny how many contradictions follow you around in life. On the one hand, you have a conversation with someone, you tell them about your dreams, your ambitions and your yearnings. Your answers are provided with as much equal cheer; stop dreaming, just do it, you only live once etc.  

Then there is the other parallel. You have to stop dreaming and be happy with what you’ve got. You’ve missed your chance, stop seeing the past with rose tinted glasses. You can’t go back so why waste your time. 

But what if you could? 

What would happen if, you did just wake up one morning and think, today is the day you change? To choose another life? 

You sit on the couch in the dark winter evening, the light bouncing around the room from the TV. It’s the end of the week, you’ve worked hard and you’re relaxing knowing you have no work tomorrow. You have a drink, and another one and by nine you’re on your fourth. Your mind has wandered again, your partner is on their phone, checking in, scrolling, falling asleep at the wheel. You cannot help but feel something is missing. You think of all the things you want to do, wished you could do, long to do. Time is running out. 

The boredom has started to creep in again. You spiral through anger, drunken anxiety and casual depression. It’s always on a Friday night, isn’t it? 

You were always told, aspire to be great. Don’t procrastinate. But here we are again, drunk and lying in bed with the thoughts of regret throbbing in your head. It’s all a fucking lie. 

Its Saturday morning. Again. The dishes need washing, the bin needs emptying, there’s no food in the fridge. You’ll have to endure the food shopping once again, in the aisles, the long, never ending pointless aisles, with all the other zombies. In the cold light of day everything seems grey.  

Those tingling moments of fancy and excitement are dead. Long forgotten and drained away with the piss you flushed down the toilet last night and this morning. Wishful thinking never won anything. 

So, what happens now? 

How do you stop revisiting the same situation every time? 

Is there an answer? 

Time is ticking, the old man looks at his watch. You panic with all the rushing thoughts of regret, the years you’ve spent and have wasted. The time you cannot get back. 

While the body is shackled and chained, grown roots that cannot be cut down, your mind can roam free? 

You have responsibilities and bills to pay. This is the reality. Fanciful dreams of getting away, having money, time, space, freedom is a novelty. A fairy tale. Those that dwell in the in-between, that pretend to exist, fall on their own sword. Crushed by the weight of their own expectations they cannot fulfil. 

It’s a trap. An advert. A glossy picture of the future you never get to see. 

Despite all this you keep going. 

You know there is always hope. 

The garden of Eden is out there. 

Is this a tale of familiar patterns? Just another voice shouting in the already overcrowded pit of entitled hypocrites and the disillusioned? 

No, I refuse. 

Refuse to accept, refuse to succumb. 

You don’t have to win the lottery to be happy. Light really does live at the end of tunnel, the journey is part of the process. 

You will find that you get muddled up with all the self-doubt and confusion, but you have to stay positive, remain in touch with the dream. As long as it’s alive it still exists. Once you let the fire go out, you will never get it back. 

Too many times, it’s been done. To see those who give up. 

So, its Friday night again, talking to yourself about the future; start making notes, on a piece of paper, in your diary, on your phone, put the drink down and be determined to take the first step.  

Sometimes you will feel exhausted. It will feel futile. It’s hard to see results when small steps don’t add up to much. You have to keep going, keep believing.  

Cut out those negative influences, the voices that undermine your thoughts. Greatness can come from the most unexpected of sources, you never know who’s listening! 

Keep the thing that drives you front and centre. Keep in mind the struggles it will take. Be determined to succeed, even when the end game is months or even years. Be proud of yourself, have confidence in your knowledge. You will probably know your own limits, so you should break them when you can. 

Trusting yourself is more than just what holds you back. The largest part is convincing your own mind you are doing the right thing. Who’s to say it is or it isn’t? But if you don’t try, you’ll always have the contrition of failure within you. 

As the rain falls on the windows, the grey skies dampen your motivation. You long to step into the deep blue again but this time you don’t feel bad. You’ve started something exciting; you can’t go back. It’s only just begun.  

It the cold light of day everything seemed so dark, so pointless, so depressing. You had no hope, just empty dreams and flawed desires. 

Now you see clearly.  

No distractions, just positivity. 

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The Cold Light of Day

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