I wonder what it feels like to be someone else? I often sit in traffic and watch people go by; walking, cycling, sat in their cars and wonder, what’s going on in their lives?
Where are they going? Are they happy? Are they depressed, going to work or just moments before a big decision?
I ask myself if they feel like I do? Do they struggle to make real connections? Do they often feel ostracised and isolated? It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy, a cycle of negative thinking that leads to a spiral of frustration and anxiety.
I know it’s a systemic problem, a way of life that perpetuates a rhetoric. It’s like walking along a wall next to a fragile roof; easy to balance with no height to consider but take away the roof and prospect of falling off suddenly becomes debilitating.
Pressure in life can overwhelm a person. Feeling the stress of fitting in, to not be you – stifling the real person inside, knowing that a compromise in your personality is a betrayal: But what exactly is “fitting in”?
It’s hard to know where you belong. On the fringes, in the shadows, a wall flower, knowing perhaps that you’re scared the real you will make others shun you. It’s that judgement, that classification and branding that has the potential to embarrass you. Where the world will swallow you up and destroy you. To be vilified and then forgotten.
There are times naturally when I search for a moment, an opportunity. Groping around for a spark, just like in the dark with your first girlfriend. There are flickers of light, the ones who understand your humour, thought process, interests and desires. Keeping them close without freighting them off is the real challenge.
Is it all smoke and mirrors though?
We assume that we are the only person who may feel this way but of course the reality is more often we’re not. We can only respond to the feelings in our own head. What worries us and makes us anxious can be hidden by the facade of over confidence, an overcompensation of attention and brashness. The pool is deep for some, but for others they swim in shallow waters.
With each year comes another birthday. With each wiser year, it’s expected that we may grow hardy, grizzled by experience and become comfortable in our own skin. Am I travelling in a different direction? Some seem to gather more weirdness as they mature and others seem to shed it, the problem is I don’t know which one I am!
Everything ebbs and flows, the highs and lows, the ups and downs.
There is a lot to be said for making of it what you will, a state of mind but it’s difficult to rid yourself of addiction when you don’t think you are addicted. Those feelings of intense despair and panic when you’re laid in bed at night are a reminder that we are tuned into another train of consciousness that doesn’t affect you during daylight hours. The remoteness of loneliness is paralysing in the dark. The quiet cries and regulated breathing can be suppressed with nonsense distractions and aimless dreaming.
Hope is a fear that can drive you wild.
A problem that is root and branch. Always thirsty. Always empty.
So where are the part time vampires?
Every question I have has no resumption, no resolution…just a void.
But it marches on, with or without you. Keep going until the end.
Small steps can yield bigger results.
Be proud to be you. Be humble but passionate. Stand to make a difference while acknowledging others. Be a pioneer, a captain of industry.
Deliver.
At Garrow Hill, we are committed to fostering an inclusive and welcoming environment for all individuals, regardless of their personal style, interests, or subcultural affiliations. We explicitly affirm that there will be no discrimination based on one’s identification with alternative subcultures, including but not limited to goth, punk, emo, metal and other non-mainstream lifestyles.
We recognize and celebrate the diversity that individuals from various subcultures bring to our community, and we are incredibly proud of our history and continue to be a part of an alternative collective.
Any form of discrimination, harassment, or retaliation against individuals who identify with alternative subcultures is strongly condemned. We strive to cultivate a culture of respect, acceptance, and understanding, where everyone feels valued and empowered to express their unique identity.
If you experience or witness any form of discrimination or harassment related to subcultural identification, we encourage you to report it promptly so that appropriate action can be taken. Together, we can ensure the world remains a place where everyone, including those who identify as alternative, can thrive and reach their full potential.
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